GRIND

I could rant about the state of the world, I could sink into a huge depression, I could commit ritualistic suicide just to see who would show up at my funeral. But I won't, despite the pressing temptation of the latter two. It's a sick world with sick people in it, and its always been that way. I guess expecting altruistic loyalty from people is way too much, and those who bothered showing up yesterday are a gift on their part and not something I should expect from them. A loyal friend is worth a thousand relatives, and to have these few, I am grateful. To those once loyal, I expected better but have learnt not to. Now grind.

And so it happens again. "History never repeats itself, humans do" - Voltaire

Yes it does. If you don't fucking enjoy speaking to him, then stop pretending to smile when he smiles. Stop pretending to say goodbye when you're glad to see him go. Friendship is something that shouldn't be taken lightly, least of all paraded around so you don't have to have an open argument. Don't like him? Tell him personally then fuck off. This charade benefits no one unless you take some perverse pride in fucking around with people's sincere feelings.

Even innocent surfaces belie these wretched evils. Good is no more in this world.

Cold hate, but fury hotter than the 18th sub level of whorror

I am fucking incensed. People jump to conclusions way too much. You could say that I myself do, but hey I don't do anything else to hurt anyone, I just rant here. My sanity is collapsing in the face of all there problems but I refuse to break.

This may be totally false because I am assuming things, but then it could very well be true and I am disgusted at the implications of it being true.

People consciously avoided me for a while, so be it. They stopped when they needed my help for something, so technically they were indebted to me even though I would never think of it like that, I don't render aid for the sake of receiving some back. Now that the false debt has been repaid I am being avoided again? So the period of not avoiding me was an attempt to shake of the imagined debt to me. Such hypocrisy was never expected from these persons, but if I'm right, you are repined bastards for this vulgar display of hypocrisy. I don't use the word "hate" lightly, but if my assumption is true, I hate you to a level of unimaginable degrees.

If I'm wrong, it's just a mind weary of blows from fate prepping up defenses against assaults that never came. I never want to be a product of my environment but it's permeating my mind and soul, seeping in ever so surely...

Social Dissection

Not only is that the title of a pretty enjoyable EP, it also reflects my thoughts which have been in a whirlwind for Friday.

The parents of 2 friends, by way of their(the parents not them) behaviour, have made me appreciate mine a lot more. I hate it when my mom calls to ask where I am when I'm in the middle of my own business, but I should probably realize all she does is call, instead of insisting I come back home or bitching about me not picking up the past 3 times. Also, all the internal household battles I had to witness and sometimes get caught up in, are a thing of the past and I've made my peace with it, despite the horrible scars they undoubtedly leave behind.(figuratively, of course.) The criticism I so vemehently despised has mostly been replaced with soft encouragements and advice to take it easy. I really have it better than many in that department, I should really stop thinking the divorce situation makes my life so much worse than others. It was painful in the initial stages when no one was there but me, but hey, I emerged stronger as a result. And it's pretty good now. I'll hit myself if I complain again.

As for those 2 friends, I doubt you'll read this but if you are ever bored enough to, you've both got a friend who understands and will render any necessary assistance. Cheers!

GP promo was relatively easy, especially next to the motherfucking "work" assignment.

Drawing Down The Moon

Listening to this amazing piece of work by those silly silly musicians. Beherit are awesome.

Example of how little wankery there is in black metal : I learnt to play The Gate Of Nanna in 1 listen. Getting a satisfying tone is another matter altogether. My amp sucks major dick. It's a little practice amp so I shouldn't complain too much about not getting a grim and frostbitten sound out of it but it's still fucking annoying. When I move out, a good amp will take precedence over a sofa.

Will not complain about studies, everyone does that. Will instead play some guitar to relieve stress before plunging in again. Will eat a Subway cookie even though dinner is about 2 minutes away.

Called down to CMB for a stupid fucking reason today, waste of goddamned time and cabfare. This is what every male here above 19 means when he says "army cock up". Maybe somebody SHOULD make a half-assed invasion attempt on Singapore just to shake things up. Our neighbour across the sea would be perfect. Efficiency attained, and we get to slaughter lots of them and call it war so that makes it all right. Then we don't have any more fucked-in-the-head situations like the one I went through today, and our friends go back to caning people who drink beer. Oh I'm sorry, am I pissing someone off? Think of an imaginary dish to invent, then file a complaint for me to duly ignore. As a sign off, FUCK YOU, fuck your chefs/cooks/whatever, and fuck everything they've ever made.

Jupiter

Listening to The Planets by Gustav Holst. Jupiter and Mars in particular are incredible, mind blowing epics. This was the Manowar of the classical era, like Wagner was probably the Black Sabbath of his time. Some people say it's pretentious to listen to classical music and attempt to link it to heavy metal, but I don't give 2 shits, good music is good music. Po-po-po-po-poker face...

Rather lonely now. Solitude is rather enjoyable, especially while listening to Jupiter: The Bringer Of Jollity, calming, majestic piece. But having someone to share it with would make it even more special. I think I've long moved past the stage where you try to get a girl just cuz she's hot and you can show her off to your friends. Girls who don't at least like to listen to good music or are too airheaded to even have a basic conversation about intelligent topics are a huge-turnoff. I guess I just want someone I can share thoughts with intimately and intelligently. Sigh...... maybe I should persuade some dudes I know to have a sex-change xD.

Classical mood is over, since no one's home I will proceed to blast some Kreator and hopefully get in an hour of economics. Kreator first. \m/

Ok I lied

With the stress level coming to an all-time high it's suicidal for me to cut off an avenue of venting frustration/hate. I always thought that if I was going to kill myself it would involve some evil magick rituals to cast the anguish in my spirit(duh, otherwise why would I kill myself) outwards to the rest of the world and let them feel the pan of someone else's suffering. But I think now if I were to go through with the act it'd be just a kitchen knife into the throat. Wrists bleed too slowly.

The worst part about cramming enough content to last 3 O levels into my head is that I wouldn't have to do it so bad if I hadn't been slacking off the first part of the year. Maybe I should have taken A maths. Maybe I should have gone to an arts course. My internal voice would then say "Hey, but you got too meet some cool people by choosing bCME, right?"
Actually, the treatment I've been receiving from a few of these people isn't exactly warranting me thanking my lucky stars that I've met them. Know 2% of me and judge the rest. If there ever were a social pulpit, they're on it. K not all, just some. That it doesn't make it acceptable. I don't even want respect, just courtesy. Humanity today....

Even now, once-good friends are seeming to trail off. Don't know what I've done, but it certainly did nothing to harm anyone. Maybe it's just this fucking exam mentality of the fucking institute that is driving some of those mentioned to act coldly towards people who merely want social interaction with those they consider friends.